If I Wasn't With Him

Sometimes I think that feelings that women have are universal. Just when I am battling something in my mind or heart, one of my counterparts (of the female human species) lets me know that she is going through the same thing. And YES it is on the topic of MEN. Sometimes we can get so emotional and riled up that we may seem angry.... or the dreaded word "bitter". We start to go over in our minds the things we would or wouldn't do if we weren't with the one that we despise aka "the one that we are hopelessly in love with."

I started to think today, "What if I wasn't with him?" It's a scary thought because I never want to imagine not being able to kiss him ever again. Not being able to hold his hand. Not being able to lay my head on his chest. Not having him hold me when I am crying.

But what do I imagine that I would do if I wasn't with him? I would probably never commit to anyone again. Yes, I would date. But never the same person for more than a month. After the first month there are monthly "anniversaries", that after 12 months turn into a year. If I never let dating go past a month, then it can't turn into a relationship, and I never have to go through that feeling of loving someone and waiting to find out if they love me too.

I would probably give up on love, giving in to casual sex and lusts of the flesh that last only a moment. What would be the point on waiting for love or marriage anymore? I once heard that LOVE is just a four letter word like SHIT and FUCK. Sometimes, its seems that is true, and that would probably be my philosophy, because LOVE wouldn't live here anymore. Yes, it sounds like self destruction, but some may say that it is self preservation. "Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

Of course, that isn't what Solomon meant by that scripture. But in that context it sounds right. I know myself, and although I think these things I don't want to live like that. That's why have I to be with him, and why we have to make it work. I love him and I want to spend my life with him. Not anyone else.